I am Trudy, Destroyer of Homes

I'm a bad parent. I feed my child drugs, and I feel myself losing patience with her. However, before you grab the phone to call social services, bear with me a little.

As I mentioned, I took in Trudy about three weeks ago. Trudy is old. Trudy spends much of her days sleeping. She likes to take long walks and longer naps. She's very quiet, and while she has been known to root through the trash from time to time, she's generally a good dog.

All this was true three weeks ago.

I figured that she would be a little nervous at first, but she would settle in. I figured things would be much like they were when she lived with my mother. I figured I could deal with all the problems. And I did - she hasn't relieved herself in the house since the first day, and she hasn't gone through the trash.

So now she howls.

From about three minutes after I leave until I return home, she serenades the house and block with a symphony of barks, howls and whines. If she frees herself from the kitchen, she leaves a trail of wrecked newspapers, destroyed blinds and noseprinted windows in her wake.

I've tried leaving and returning several times to accustom her to my schedule. I've tried Clonicalm (doggie downers - although given the results thus far, I'm thinking they gave me sugar pills and charged me $20). I've tried doggie toys. I'm thinking about spiking her drink with whiskey, because I'm approaching my wits' end.

I love this little dog, but I don't know what to do with her. If she doesn't calm down soon, I'm going to have to find a home for her, because my neighbors and roommate are starting to get pissed, and I don't blame them.

This wouldn't be so frustrating if she wasn't so damned smart. She's figured out ways around virtually every barricade I've built to keep her in the kitchen. She figured out how to scoot the base out of her cage. She knows how to open cabinets. But she apparently can't figure out that I'm going to return every time I leave.

Lord knows I probably should be home more throughout the week - and I've done that to accomodate her thus far, but I'm not willing to completely revolve my life around a dog; heck, I have enough trouble relating to people.

I'm hoping that she'll start calming down soon, because otherwise I'm going to have to make some unplesant choices soon, and I'm not sure I can live with the outcome.