Monday, May 30, 2005

Three Weekends, Three Weddings

The invitations started pouring in in April. I didn't pay too much heed to them; after all, I'd heard about them months earlier - happy phone calls and conversations. Heck, I was going to be in two of them.

So I sent the RSVP cards in sometime in April and went back to life. I had a vacation to go on after all, and thoughts of dancing, wedding cake and mustacolli-filled buffets simply couldn't compete with swim-up bars, margaritas and warm sunshine.

Then May arrived, and I realized something: anyone who finds weddings relaxing is nuts. Simply nuts. However, it was also an educational experience; I learned quite a bit:

  • Don't leave a present - especially one made of glass - sitting on the edge of a table where the dog can knock it over. Strangely enough, this wouldn't have been an issue had I actually WRAPPED the damn thing and taken it with me to the wedding.
  • If the guy at the tuxedo store tells you it's not necessary to pay, ask again. That way, they can't "lose" your tuxedo.
  • I still hate Meat Loaf (the food and the singer).
  • Why can't they play the Time Warp at weddings? It would spice things up a bit.
  • Wedding photographers are apparently paid by the hour.
  • Corsages don't taste too good (actually, I learned that years ago).
  • Being able to field two softball teams (both with a bench) out of the wedding party really isn't something to be proud of.
  • Dressing up is exhausting.
Okay. That's it for two days. I'm off to Vegas for a psychotic weekend. Keep it real, kids. I'll be back with more updates soon. (I promise!)

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Ten Ways to Be a Better Softball Player

  1. Use one of your employees as the umpire; that way, you'll get every advantage over the other team.
  2. If, when this plan backfires and you still star losing, start blaming your team.
  3. Start jawing at the other team when you draw a walk.
  4. Get your umpire to give you an extra inning of at-bats.
  5. Even though you know the umpire made a mistake, don't acknowledge it -- just keep the game going.
  6. Stomp off and pout by yourself -- it's especially becoming when you're older than 40.
  7. And even more impressive when your wife and child are at the game.
  8. Gloat at the other team before the game.
  9. Joke around with everyone on your team after the game -- even though they're looking at you with something resembling contempt.
  10. But don't bother with basic skills like catching and throwing; they just slow you down and take away from the game's competitive spirit.

Yes, it's good to know that people still aren't taking coed recreational softball too seriously these days.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Still Living . . .

I'll have a longer post later this week. Things have been pretty hectic, and I lost my internet connection for several days; however, I'm back now.