Tuesday, May 22, 2007


So what exactly is the protocol when you walk around the corner of an aisle at Target and see an employee zipping up his pants and fastening his belt?

I was at a loss, so it came down to moving on to the next aisle while hoping I needed nothing in the original one or running away while screaming and clawing my eyes out.

Digging out a quarter, I flipped on it, and it came up heads. After deciding that meant I could keep my eyes, I moved on, hoping that he didn't get a happy ending in the detergent aisle - that's just nasty. Everyone knows that's what the pillow aisle is for - at least it was in my day.

But I digress. Maybe there was a perfectly innocent explanation for it - perhaps gravity intensified causing his pants to drop, or maybe he spontaneously lost 30 pounds, or maybe he's the kind of guy who adjusts himself in public.

In any case, I moved on, definitely a little older, probably a little less wise, and definitely disturbed.

Newton is a Harsh Master

It seemed like slow motion - the soda bottle slipped from my grasping fingers, slowly turning over as it sped towards the floor.

I tried making the catch, hoping to stave off the inevitable, but my reflexes aren't up to gravity's inflexible standards. The bottle landed on its side and the cap shot straight off and under the vending machine. Soda fountained up over the machine, me and the floor, and the bottle rocketed across the floor, propelled by a shower of soda. Fortunately, a table stopped it.

So there I stood, covered in Diet Pepsi, surveying the trail of soda ending under the nearby table.

At least the people in the kitchen clapped after it was over.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Seven Things

I was memed by Otis, so without further ado here are seven things you may not know about me:

1. I've been in the circus
When I was eight or so, my parents took us to the circus. As I recall, we had great seats - right on the floor level, and Mike and I showed our appreciation by bouncing off the walls, fueled to greater heights by the approximately six tons of cotton candy flowing through our veins.

A woman walked up and asked if we'd like to participate in the circus. Mom and Dad said yes. (I'm not sure whether this was a sign of a time long gone or if it showed just how desperate my parents were that we'd disappear - I'll take the former). They took Mike and I down to the access tunnels, where we boarded a big car shaped like a bubble with open sides. The bubble car drove out on to the floor of the circus, where we drove a lap around the acts, waving like mad the whole time. Rather than keep us in a life of taking care of the animals, they handed us back to our parents with certificates thanking us.

2. My dishes are hot
A year or so out of college, I spent a summer bartending at a local pops festival. Our customers were either suburban families or retirees, so while the hours sucked, the lousy tips made up for it. My boss was a complete horses ass who hated the summer bar staff. He was on the cusp of 30, and his sole ambition in life was to smoke pot and hook up with his high-school/early college age kitchen staff. He made sure to criticize everything about us.

My future roommate and I were sick of him and in need of dishes for our new apartment, so we went into the storage closet and helped ourselves. The place was closing soon anyway, and with a little luck, they would tag the discrepancy on our jackass boss. No such luck - the owners really didn't care. Last I heard, the jackass was working as a male stripper in New Orleans. I'm still eating off those dishes today.

3. I can play three musical instruments
In grade school, I started learning the violin. Not being loud or obnoxious enough, I traded it in for the baritone (sort of a baby tuba) and the valve trombone (a trombone for brass players too lazy to learn the slide positions). I had to give it all up in high school.

4. I've played golf once in my life
It nearly ended in a brawl.

5. I threw my hat at a kickball umpire in a fit of rage
We were getting our asses handed to us, and the ump kept blowing calls against us all day. After talking to her about it once, I went up to kick. She called it foul, and as I started to return to the batter's box, she suddenly changed her mind and called it fair, and I was out. I snapped, threw my hat at her and started cussing her out. The amazing part: she didn't toss me. In fact, she let me kick the ball again. For the record, I would have tossed me.

6. In crowds, I become claustrophobic
I start becoming unglued in big, densely-packed crowds.

7. I am the next step in human evolution
I have no wisdom teeth. None. Nor have I ever had a cavity. And I shall pass these traits along to my offspring, and eventually, my descendents will drive dentists out of work, ending the years and years of oppression and pain they have caused humanity with their drills, funny mirrors, blinding lights and novocaine. Mmm. Novocaine.