Monday, November 08, 2004

Open Letters

To the nice couple ahead of me in line at Subway:

You seem like nice people, who strive to do the right thing, but perhaps you're a little slow, so here's some advice:

Waaayyyy back, before computers, before the internet, before Ronald Reagan, communication wasn't particularly good. In fact, if you wanted to make a long distance call, you had to learn semaphore or smoke signals.

But then Samuel Morse came along, and invented the telegraph. This allowed people to communicate nearly instantaneously over large distance. The drawback? You needed to learn Morse code.

Fortunately, Alexander Graham Bell popped up, along with the telephone. NOW, you could TALK to people over long distances. All you needed to remember was a 7- or 10-digit code to input before making your call.

But what's this? What if I don't know the number, you ask? Well, some people came up with the idea of a book, listing ALL the telephone numbers, called the "telephone directory". This "directory" later split off to the Yellow pages, which lists only business numbers.

So now that you know how these things work, you won't think of going into a Subway at noon with orders for 12 sandwiches, two wraps and two bowls of chili - along with chips and sodas in hand, effectively holding the restaurant hostage while the staff worked to complete your order during the lunch rush, instead of, say, CALLING IT IN TWO HOURS EARLIER! Jackasses.

To the guy in the TrailBlazer making a left turn onto Olive at the aforementioned Subway.

Dear sir, since you can afford a TrailBlazer, I can only assume that you make lots o'money. And, to make said money, you must be educated. But I can't wrap my head around this simple problem: why would you try to make a left turn on Olive, when there's a clear "NO LEFT TURN" sign right next to your vehicle, and there's about 20 or so cars waiting to turn right behind you. Prick.

Thanks to all three of you fine people for wasting my lunch hour.

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