Wednesday, January 28, 2004

A Sleeping Dilemma

There's actually a beginning part to my earlier post: one of the reasons I had trouble finally waking up is that I haven't been sleeping well at all for the past three nights. I'm starting to become a little concerned; I stopped drinking caffeine several hours before going to bed; I exercise, hoping it'll tire me out, but instead, I lie in bed exhausted, desperate and sleepless. Not fun.

I've tried finding that little thread in my head that leads to sleep -- you know, the one that causes your thoughts to become unfocused and relaxed as you fade out, but for something always drags me back. This lasts until sometime around 3:00 AM, when I finally nod off.

The hell of it is that I start fixating on it, and that makes it that much more difficult. I've tried reading myself to sleep. I've tried watching television. I've tried just lying in a darkened, quiet bedroom, trying not to think about the day's ghosts - memories that crawl back and replay themselves to me.

I just don't want to turn into the Narrator from "Fight Club" -- working in porn theaters while my alter ego plots to overthrow society. I don't like that idea: nothing would depress me more than working in a porn theater, and as for the world thing, I'm already working on it, so my alter ego can just butt the hell out. Besides, no one at work would notice if I showed up with a bruised face and bloodied clothes - I do it all the time.

All kidding aside, I think the problem is fixation: my mother always said she's not truly happy unless she has something to worry about, and I know I inherited some of that. Two nights ago, my neighbor's car was stolen; now I'm sure when I walk out in the cold morning that there won't be a car waiting for me. I hear a drip from the bathroom and convince myself there's a leak that will eventually cause the bathroom to fall into the kitchen -- probably while I'm on the throne. You get the idea.

Perhaps a vacation is in order. Perhaps a big change of some sort. Perhaps shakabuku ("A swift spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever" -- big props if you can name the movie).

In any case, I'm headed off to bed now; worst case scenario: I'll finish some Sherlock Holmes mysteries and be extra cranky at work tomorrow, best case, I'll be out in ten minutes. I'm hoping for the latter.

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