Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Ten Ways to Be a Better Softball Player

  1. Use one of your employees as the umpire; that way, you'll get every advantage over the other team.
  2. If, when this plan backfires and you still star losing, start blaming your team.
  3. Start jawing at the other team when you draw a walk.
  4. Get your umpire to give you an extra inning of at-bats.
  5. Even though you know the umpire made a mistake, don't acknowledge it -- just keep the game going.
  6. Stomp off and pout by yourself -- it's especially becoming when you're older than 40.
  7. And even more impressive when your wife and child are at the game.
  8. Gloat at the other team before the game.
  9. Joke around with everyone on your team after the game -- even though they're looking at you with something resembling contempt.
  10. But don't bother with basic skills like catching and throwing; they just slow you down and take away from the game's competitive spirit.

Yes, it's good to know that people still aren't taking coed recreational softball too seriously these days.

3 comments:

Chilly said...

How about:

-Slide Cleats up into the 105 lb. girl playing 2nd base to break up a double play.

-Sneak your $450 quad-wall bat into the game.

-Drink 3 beers per inning.

-Block 1st base line then throw punch when runner knocks you down. Yes this happened to me oh yeah, 1st baseman had only one arm.

Tooloftheman said...

I like to drink 3 beers per anything.

Brian said...

Good ones, Chilly! I just remembered a few more:

Start screaming at your stepson when he flubs a routine play at third.

Pout and whine like a three-year-old if you're at the end of the lineup.

and

Slide into second base, cleats up, into the midget playing the base.