Tuesday, August 24, 2004

First Rule of the Men's Room: Don't Talk in the Men's Room

I drove home through the rain, traffic slowed to a snail's pace on Kingshighway, and I was cursing the iced tea I drank about an hour ago.

Finally, I made it to Home Depot, my destination, and sprinted to the restrooms. I made it in and up to the urinal, where I took care of business.

"It's dagnerous to blow."

I looked over; the guy at the stall next to me was looking straight at me and talking.

Now I live by a few simple rules, and one of them is that you don't talk to someone while he/she is taking care of business on the throne or in the trough. You just don't do it. Some drunken fool starts talking to me in a bar bathroom, I'm liable to ignore him or just tell him to shut up.

What makes this more galling is that he broke a few other key rules in the process. For those of you not in the know, the rules of the men's room are very simple:

  1. When in a stall, keep your eyes front. Up and down is acceptable - especially if there's a newspaper, ad or photo of a scantily-clad woman in front of you.
  2. Unless you walked in with him, don't strike up a conversation with the guy next to you; especially if what you're saying is patent nonsene or just plain crazy.
  3. Wash your damned hands.
See? It's not brain surgery. But unfortunately, I'm forced to reply, because I'm afraid this dude is nuts and he's preparing to bang my head off the urinal pipes.

"Excuse me?" was my witty reply.

"It's dangerous to blow like that. You sighed when you started up; it affects your aim," he said.

"Oh. Yeah," I said, trying like hell to finish up. Fortunately, he walked out of the bathroom. Without washing his damned hands, so not only is he crazy, he's also unhygenic. I'm not sure which is worse.

So gentlemen, follow the rules of the throne room. You'll live a happier - and much cleaner - life.


Anonymous said...

Here is something for you to think about on the hand washing Brian. You turn on the faucet with dirty hands, clean your hands, then turn of the faucet that you just touched with your dirty hands. Next you walk to the door and touch the same spot that 100 other people did to open the door, about half of which did not wash their hands. You then go to the bar and pay for your drink with a 10 spot that has been lord knows where, and drink from a glass that was more than likely barely rinsed off after the last diseased schmuck drank from it. Just something to think about it. Have a good one. Aaron

Gordon said...

Also, you forgot one little tidbit - always remember to flush, especially toilets.

Trust me, the last time I had "urpy tummy", and needed to visit the bathroom...just be *very* careful at the Target in Ballwin, is all I'm sayin'.


Nuance said...

Growing up in Ballwin, those my Target. Even back in the day, their bathrooms were kind of sketch. Hmmmmm.

Brian said...

Okay -- got it; stay out of the men's room at Target Ballwin. Thanks for the advice!

But Aaron, by your logic, we shouldn't wash our hands because they'll just get dirty again, which will lead to a race of super bacteria that will rise up and devour us. By washing my hands, I'm preserving the future of humanity, darn it!

Anonymous said...

Actually by washing your hands with anti-bacterial soap you are developing super bacteria. Also, unless you wash your hand vigorously for a good minute you won’t remove all of the bacteria off your hands. No I am not saying don’t wash your hands, for the record I wash my hands as well, but I am asking what diseases do you have that are spread through going to the bathroom? Aaron

Herb said...

Confusion say:
1. Do biz
2. Wipe seat*
3. Flush
4. Roll out paper (if there's no dryer)
5. Wash hands
6. Tear paper and dry

*-This from a guy with two young girls who can't go into the women's bathroom all by themselves yet. You ever tried to get a 2-year-old to sit on a toilet dripping with pee? Would you want to?

Gordon said...

Major faux pas by one of my bosses:

bought a baseball ticket for an MRN/Cardinals game - later, while I'm doing my business, he asks me if I am 'bringing a date' for the game.

I am still shivering...

Anonymous said...

As bathroom rules go, this breaks them and them some...My husband was in the bathroom at Blueberry Hill and the guy in the urinal next to him look at his - well, you know- and said, "Nice piece." -YIKES