Smooth Criminal

My aching head mirrored the ache in my knee nicely. Downing the better part of a six pack while playing kickball seemed like a good idea, but now, looking back . . . not so much.

I was cruising along nicely into the fourth inning when I kicked a perfect line drive up towards right center field. As I dashed towards first base, I started planning my run into second. It would be my first double of the season. Glory would be mine!

So of course I tripped over first base and rolled head over heels twice before coming to a stop. While staring into the sky, all I could think was that not only did my knee hurt, it was embarrassing as hell. I laid on the cool grass, staring into the sky, giggling at the absurdity of it all.

C'est la vie. Another beer on the sidelines and I was good as new. I even pitched us to our first win of the season.

But as I was driving home, the shakes hit. I realized . . . I hadn't had any caffeine that day, and as the beer wore off, my knee and head started competing for my attentions. Fortunately, I found salvation at the nearby QT, where I saw this exchange:

"That'll be $3.50 sir."
"Okay - here." The gentleman in front of me hands the cashier a $50.
She stares at it for several seconds, straightens it out, stare at it more intently, and hands it to the other cashier, who repeats.
"I'm sorry sir, but we can't take this bill." says cashier number two.
"That's fine," says the customer. And walks out with the fake $50.

I worked in retail for nearly ten years. I've seen more attempted scams and lame shoplifting attempts than I care to remember, and one thing that always came to mind was how indignant people became when they were caught. Not this guy. He just upped and moved on - straight towards the next gas station on the street. It was only a matter of time before he found some cashier who was thinking of getting off work, going home, or just getting out from behind the register for a few short hours.

I'm sure it wasn't going to be a long wait.

Seven Things

I was memed by Otis, so without further ado here are seven things you may not know about me:

1. I've been in the circus
When I was eight or so, my parents took us to the circus. As I recall, we had great seats - right on the floor level, and Mike and I showed our appreciation by bouncing off the walls, fueled to greater heights by the approximately six tons of cotton candy flowing through our veins.

A woman walked up and asked if we'd like to participate in the circus. Mom and Dad said yes. (I'm not sure whether this was a sign of a time long gone or if it showed just how desperate my parents were that we'd disappear - I'll take the former). They took Mike and I down to the access tunnels, where we boarded a big car shaped like a bubble with open sides. The bubble car drove out on to the floor of the circus, where we drove a lap around the acts, waving like mad the whole time. Rather than keep us in a life of taking care of the animals, they handed us back to our parents with certificates thanking us.

2. My dishes are hot
A year or so out of college, I spent a summer bartending at a local pops festival. Our customers were either suburban families or retirees, so while the hours sucked, the lousy tips made up for it. My boss was a complete horses ass who hated the summer bar staff. He was on the cusp of 30, and his sole ambition in life was to smoke pot and hook up with his high-school/early college age kitchen staff. He made sure to criticize everything about us.

My future roommate and I were sick of him and in need of dishes for our new apartment, so we went into the storage closet and helped ourselves. The place was closing soon anyway, and with a little luck, they would tag the discrepancy on our jackass boss. No such luck - the owners really didn't care. Last I heard, the jackass was working as a male stripper in New Orleans. I'm still eating off those dishes today.

3. I can play three musical instruments
In grade school, I started learning the violin. Not being loud or obnoxious enough, I traded it in for the baritone (sort of a baby tuba) and the valve trombone (a trombone for brass players too lazy to learn the slide positions). I had to give it all up in high school.

4. I've played golf once in my life
It nearly ended in a brawl.

5. I threw my hat at a kickball umpire in a fit of rage
We were getting our asses handed to us, and the ump kept blowing calls against us all day. After talking to her about it once, I went up to kick. She called it foul, and as I started to return to the batter's box, she suddenly changed her mind and called it fair, and I was out. I snapped, threw my hat at her and started cussing her out. The amazing part: she didn't toss me. In fact, she let me kick the ball again. For the record, I would have tossed me.

6. In crowds, I become claustrophobic
I start becoming unglued in big, densely-packed crowds.

7. I am the next step in human evolution
I have no wisdom teeth. None. Nor have I ever had a cavity. And I shall pass these traits along to my offspring, and eventually, my descendents will drive dentists out of work, ending the years and years of oppression and pain they have caused humanity with their drills, funny mirrors, blinding lights and novocaine. Mmm. Novocaine.

Tagging:
Chilly
Farrell
Mikala
Tracie
Gordon